Once you've learned to be lonely,
And lonely is the only thing you know,
It begins to feel like home;
It becomes your comfort zone.
Once you've learned to be without someone,
And settled for the silence of an empty room,
It changes you.
There's a lot you have to undo
Once you've learned to be lonely.
Like I said, I don't really care for the song. But the lyrics are really striking a chord with me right now. I'm having a hard time connecting with anybody right now--and furthermore? I don't want the opinions of people I have no respect for. I have never felt less like myself: I have more walls up than I know what to do with; feel that I am actively and passively shutting people out; feel invisible and kind of forgotten.
Saturday night, I went to see Letters To Juliet with a friend (got laughed at in class this morning for liking it...whatever...). Afterwards, we parted ways, and everyone went home. But I really did not want to go back to the house (long story short--it's kind of a black hole here). It was a little after 10PM and I was wandering the streets of Portland by myself. Feeling utterly, and completely forgotten. Hopeless. Sad to the very core of my soul. Despite that, I felt like walking around the city by myself was the COMFORTABLE thing to do; the song lyrics came true for me and that was pretty striking. I didn't want to go home, had no one around. I seriously contemplated walking into the first bar I could find and just sitting there with a drink just to be around people.
I graduate in one month from tomorrow. Words cannot even describe how ecstatic I am, so I won't try. Thinking about this has made me realize something else: I don't think I've gotten a legitimate hug from anyone since the last time I was home. I'm not really a touch person, but this makes me really sad.
O, and did I mention that it is supposed to rain everyday for the rest of the month at least?
Jesus, please help me--I can't make it through one more month on my own :(
Song of the day: "This is the Thing," by Fink. State of the soul, shall we say...