Hi dear friend,
I heard once (from the wise words of Peter Gallagher on the OC ;) that heartache isn't something you get over, but its almost as if you get used to it, and the pain dulls over time. And honestly, there is no better way to summarize my experience with the emotion you know so acutely right now.
C.S. Lewis explained grief like a steaming cup of hot tea. If you drink it too fast, you will scald and scar yourself. You must sip it, slowly, but you must finish the whole cup to experience the benefits that come from drinking it. On the other hand, its just as dangerous to take too long to drink your cup of tea. In this situation it can become cold and bitter, completely defeating the purpose of the ultimate comfort that comes along with the end of a warm cup of tea. Unfortuantely, no one else can drink your tea for you, but you can drink it along side other people. I love this visual. It makes so much sense to me.
When I was going through everything with ****. I didn't want to spend time with the tea. Sipping it was a reminder that it happened. I preferred to chug it in a day, experience the scalding pain that came with the fresh boiling water, and pretend like I was done. I didn't want to give anyone any impression that I was really struggling. For whatever reason I felt like if I outwardly had a hard time with it, then he won. So I quickly made new friends, plastered a smile to my face, and pretended like I was fine. I only let the tears come at night when I was falling asleep, and with a select one or two people. I don't like grief. I don't like other people seeing me grieve, because I don't trust them to handle it well. And I sure as heck don't want the one who caused me grief to see me grieve. In hindsight, this was wrong. I would have been able to experience more of that comfort that comes in the midst of grief had I chosen to drink my cup of tea in full, and then chosen to move forward. (I hate the phrase "move on", its as if it disregards what happened. I much prefer "move forward")
No one can rush you drinking your tea. Drink it in full and learn all that you can from it. Know intimately, the warmth, comfort, and closeness of Jesus through this time. Theres nothing like heartache of this world, to make you realize that Jesus is truly the only one that can make your heart complete. And as your tea begins to become cold, know that you were made for more than grief. Know that God has plans for you far greater than this man you loved, and that he will redeem your pain in FULL.
Love you today.
Song of the day: "Closer" by Shawn McDonald. AMAZING. Actually, do yourself a favor and listen to the whole album.
